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November 19 It's cold, time to shut the doorFrom where have I picked my temper up?
Confused, annoyed, impatient, irritable, lost of concentration
It's cold July 16 Bubbles 2009.6.17Bubbles Kind of loving bubbles these days, generated merely by blowing gently with my mouth, though a rough circle that is covered with a membrane of soap liquid. Ok, it takes place in my beloved balcony, again. One by one, bubbles show up till the end of my constant breath, I’m surrounded by numerous bubbles. Beautiful, charming, elegant, graceful, they dance in the breeze happily, and I seem to be addicted in this funny game, completely ignoring the various eyes below that are watching this big boy doing such childish thing. The only pity is that these amazing creations can’t keep their attractive forms even for a while, and turn into the invisible very soon, so you have to reproduce it over and over again if you wanna enjoy this splendid scene. Then it reminds me of my youth time, though nearly about to expire. It’s like the bubble, in which lie all the magnificence that one can imagine, but the difference is that youth can not be experienced once more, and we can do nothing to stop this but to find in the mirror more wrinkles on our face and watch the golden time turning into memories. Feeling helpless? Or, maybe we can do something, since we still have to get our life going on, from youth to middle age to old. Life is what we must cherish at every second, just like the youth time which we only have once in one lifetime. Shall we make good use of it, or just pass by without any shining moment? Of course not, because we have dreams! Everyone dreams a lot when being child, because children are more curious, more anxious, and more passionate, to know to uncover and to change the mysteries the society and the whole universe. We know more about what we really need when being children! But as we grow up year by year, we tend to get ourselves lost in the so-called busy life, and are blind to the manifold blessings that lie in sight, unable to find out what life’s true definition is and what we live for. Therefore very few of these dreams come true finally. It’s called compromise, with the reality and with our fragile hearts that lack persistency and continuity. So most of us may die in vain, the moment when we flash backward and find there have been so many dreams floating in the air, untouchable. Anyhow, it’s always easy to say than to do. We want to cherish the precious thing, but don’t know what to do, when and where to start off, and how to accomplish it. So our confidence is decreasing by these frustrations, as time goes by as usual, to the day we make a compromise. Youth is a bubble, life is bubble too. Wanna make it more splendid, significant, brilliant, magnificent, fabulous and marvelous? Ok, don’t be silly and hesitate any more, take out your hand, help yourselves, just remember, we are running out of time. July 12 Keep minds fresh though fatigueI’m completely a dull when exhausted. Brain only carries on simple tasks and rules out complicated ones, and even the simple ones are usually full of naive faults and mistakes: speech illogical, vision hazy, audition vague, concentration scattered, accompanied with irregular bowl movement, aching head and sore muscles.
Sleep is an effective therapy, but also a time cost one. Face wash, teeth brush, pee pee, poo poo, and sometimes bath, these are all important procedures of waking from dream and lots of time is flushed away in the flow. And of cause, firstly, we have to convince us to get up, which requires great determination and is often unsuccessful.
Music and coffee are options too, but only to prolong the latency stage of fatigue. And as age is climbing up high, it seems more difficult to repair a severely damaged bio-clock.
So training turns out to be favorable necessity. Here training has two aspects: one is just get more PE, like tennis and swimming to me; the other one is train myself to triumph fatigue to keep minds fresh, clear, logical and creative in extreme exhaustion. The later one is based on PE, but much harder to reach, cuz not everyone gets the determination powerful enough, and neither does me.
There is the phrase that I love that much, telling “you never conquer the mountain, you only conquer yourself”. The first and last enemy is merely we ourselves. We are all born of laziness, we are raised, we suck breast instead of hunting for food by our own hands. We remain proletariat until being adults. Sometimes we work hard, in one purpose of accumulating wealth and pursuing a better life in which we could be lazy, self-relieve and enjoy last ditch of life.
So, something has to be changed, I can’t tolerate myself to live such a life. But the enemy “me”, seems too powerful to defeat, especially in fatigue.
Training, but how? Any help from you will be appreciated. May 31 Worst tennis game ever playedWorst tennis game ever played
Full of countless faults, no matter serve or charge or defense, bad forehand, bad backswing, bad chop, bad chip, bad steps, I just play like a beginner, in front of so many friends watching aside and supporting me that I should take the win, easily. But finally I deserve the defeat, which I have expected coming when confronting a more skilled opponent. Nothing but embarrassment! But I’ve tried my best in this gloomy game in gloomy weather. In great fatigue and subsequent dull reaction, I still manage to regain the control my body, analyses the weakness of my opponent, and take the charge in a proper way though limited of my exhaustion. Really tried my best, in such state that anyone can beat me down. I think it’s time to call me “Hoo Soft”, weak like an ant. Sorry guys, especially to you, hoping it won’t disappoint you that much. Anyway, it’s so happy to see me suffering a frustration again, this time in a tennis match, only because it’s really fun to have myself frustrated. You know, I’m the guy that have walked long way accompanied by failures and will sure be together with them in the long run. There is only frustration that can keep my mind clear, maintain my motive energetic, to know what my great weaknesses are that just lie under my eyes and are ignored by my vanity, my conceit, my pride, my arrogance, my prejudice and my foolishness. Frustrations, then repairs, overconfidence, frustration again, and over and over again. I really hate the “me” that is prone to get lost so easily, maybe it’s the feeling of inferior, deep in my heart. Throughout the past “whole year”, I still haven’t achieved anything yet, really a great sin to my soul. Something should have been made by me! But, you know, I’m a lazy guy, too crowd to face the real challenges. What’s worse, I always use this as an excuse for self-comforting, which only makes me much more like a pathetic doggy.
The balance between confident and slump is also important. I still remember the years when I was down and the whole world seems full of despairs. Some true friends gave me their hands, motivated me and helped me re-pick my confidence and revive as marvelous as before. Great appreciations to them, which I will never forget in rest of my life. It makes me a lucky guy but gradually a pathetic one as I’m losing myself due to overconfidence. So that’s why I seek frustrations so anxiously, enough to cool the overheated mind but won’t impair it. That’s why I went to my mentor and had him criticize me greatly. That’s why I really feel happy to receive this defeat in tennis match. Bingo!
May the harmless frustrations fall on me more and more.
Glossary of tennis terminology Ace - a serve that is a winner without the receiving tennis player able to return the ball. Ad court - the part of the tennis court that is to the left of the tennis players Advantage - when a tennis player needs one more point to win the game after the score was deuce. Alley - the extra area of the side court used for doubles. Backhand - a way to swing the tennis racquet where the player hits the ball with a swing that comes across the body. Backspin - spin of a tennis ball that causes the ball to slow down and/or bounce low. Backswing - the motion of a swing that moves the racquet into position to swing forward and strike the ball. Baseline - the line indicating back of the court. Baseliner - a tennis player whose strategy is to play from the baseline. See Tennis Strategies for more. Break - when the server loses the game Break point - one point away from breaking serve Chip - blocking a shot with backspin Chip and charge - an aggressive strategy to return the opponent's serve with backspin and move forward to the net for a volley Chop - a tennis shot with extreme backspin. Meant to stop the ball where it lands. Counterpuncher - another name for a player who is a defensive baseliner. Court - the area where a tennis game is played Crosscourt - hitting the tennis ball diagonally into the opponent's court Deep - refers to a shot that bounces near the baseline verses near the net Deuce - when the score in a game is 40 to 40. Deuce court - the right side of the court Double Fault - two missed serves in a row. The server will lose the point. Doubles - a tennis game played by four players, two per side of the court. Down the line - hitting a tennis shot straight down the baseline Drop shot - a strategy where the tennis player hits the ball just go over the net. It is used when the opponent is far from the net. Drop volley - a drop shot from a volley Fault - a service that is not in play. First Service - the first of the two serves of a tennis ball a player is allowed. Generally the server will try a more difficult serve on the first service. Flat - a shot with little to no spin Follow through - the part of the swing after the ball is hit. A good follow through is important for accuracy and power. Foot fault - when the server steps over the baseline while making a serve. Forehand - a tennis swing where the player hits the tennis ball from behind their body. Often the forehand is the players best stroke. Game point - one point away to win the tennis game. Grand Slam - any one of the four most prestigious tennis tournaments including the Australian Open, the French Open, Wimbledon and the U.S. Open. Groundstroke - a forehand or backhand shot made after the tennis ball bounces once on the court Head - the top part of the racket that has the strings and is meant to hit the ball. Hold - when the server wins the tennis game. I-formation - a formation in doubled where the both players stand on the same side of the court prior to starting the point. Jamming - to hit the tennis ball straight to the opponent's body not allowing them to extend the racquet to hit the ball well. Kick serve - a serve with a lot of spin causing the ball to bounce high Let - when the tennis ball from a service touches the net but still lands within the service box. The server gets another try as this does not count as a fault. Lob - a tennis shot where the ball is lifted high above the net. Can be a defensive shot in some cases, but also may cause a winner when the ball is just out of reach of the opponent, but still lands in play. Love - zero points in a tennis game. Match point - when one tennis player only needs one more point to win the entire match Out - any tennis ball that lands outside the area of play. Passing shot - when the tennis ball is hit such that it passes by the opponent at the net without them being able to hit the ball. Poaching - an aggressive strategy in doubles where the tennis player at net attempts to volley a shot hit to their partner on the baseline. Tennis Racquet - the main piece of equipment in tennis. It has a long handle and a oval shaped head with a string mesh stretched across it. It is used by the tennis player to hit the ball. Rally - when players hit the ball back and forth to each other while the ball is landing in play. Set point - when a tennis player needs one point to win the set Singles - a tennis game played by two players Second Service - the second serve that the server is allowed after missing the first serve. This serve must be successful or the server will loose the point (called a double fault). Serve - starts the point by the server hitting the tennis ball into the opponents half of the court Serve and volley - a tennis strategy where the player serves and then charges forward to the net for a volley off of the return. Spin - rotation of the tennis ball as it moves through the air. Skilled tennis players can control the spin and, therefore, the ball's trajectory and bounce Straight sets - when one player wins every set in a match. Topspin - when the tennis ball spins forward. This can cause it to bounce higher as well as dip down quickly. Unforced error - a missed shot by a player that was not caused by any excellent play by their opponent. Winner - an outstanding tennis shot that cannot be returned by the opponent. WTA - stands for Women's Tennis Association April 15 freedom and libertySzerelmemért föláldozom Az életet, Szabadságért föláldozom Szerelmemet.
--Petőfi Sándor 生命誠可貴，愛情價更高，若為自由故，兩者皆可拋。 Liberty, love! These two I need. For my love I will sacrifice life, For liberty I will sacrifice my love. What is real liberty, what is freedom, why is it such attractive, of great importance?
When being a child I only feel that losing freedom is just having lots of homework to do, bounded by repeated text copying or memorizing, and no playtime. As growing a little elder I learn from my teacher its definition that is lifetime outside of the prison. And later on, gradually, I realize that liberty is the state I can do every thing I want, and of cause, inevitably, as I hadn’t realized that liberty is still confined by law or moral regulars, I “paid” a lot for my “unrestricted” freedom, which might be called as the pain of growing. Then years passing by quickly, I started to find in the mirror a mature figure of me, begin to know the component of democracy in liberty, and began to learn to cherish the freedom that is at the great cost of a great number of lives of our predecessors in this land. Now as I’ve covered one third of my lifetime journey, pretending to ignore the wrinkles that are piling on my face, there are more understandings to the poem. What is liberty, the authentic liberty? It is a status of soul of complete free, without any bothering. So there is no necessity to waste too much time on social relationship handling, no necessity to be depressed to the countless gloom from the beloved, no necessity to be lured by luxury lifestyle, and no necessity to daydream, to satisfy the vanity, to be self-indulgent in sex or drug or alcohol or power. It’s kind of similar to creation, my thought can reach any mysteries it has never been to, and the only limitation in-between is my poor knowledge. To the recent state of art, the mechanism of self-satisfaction tells us it is nothing but the increase of Dopamine in our hypothalamus. But how could we be kidnapped by these “no necessity”, merely for the increase of dopa. I’ve been trying to get rid of these “no necessity”, as a result it is always too hard for me to reach the free soul, and in vain most of the time. Besides, I’m too addicted in applying the excuse of “addiction”.
Anyway, I’ve been trying, to keep my thought clear and independent, to keep my sight open and penetrating, and to approach the soul of free. That’s why I am hiding in the campus, keeping single, only because freedom matters too much to me! March 24 Life in Melodies (节选)Can’t help falling in love (andrea bocelli & katheine mcphee) Change your mind (westlife) Chiara (andrea bocelli) Canon Down By The Salley Gardens Endless love I believe in you (je crois en toi) Last Christmas le roi du monde Life is like a boat Love to be loved Loving you (cetain) Liberation （Matthew Lien） Memory （Weber） Moonlight shadow Romanza When she loved me Season in the sun （westlife） She Snowdreams （Bandari） Yellow submarine （Beatles） 给天使看的戏
February 02 so, February!so still nothing's been accomplished;
still wondering what to do, when to start, and how to carry out.
Parents have given me a pair of bright eyes, two brilliant hemispheres, and ten blessing fingers, all of which, such a pity, are still blind to the authentic beauty, turmoil to the truth, and lack of creativity.
What's wrong with me? Hey, dude, you're 28y now! September 25 Looking backSummer is torrid, burning, and damn hot. I'm not such afraid of this season, but at every summer holiday, I found nothing significant but dull, boring, humdrum indoor time killing. I wish I would have made full use of this precious time to pursue some academical research or engage in the improvement of technical skills. But the hot wave shocked me down, and the annoying glares penetrated every gaps slipping into my eyes. So I have to stay where the fan and aircondition normally work, evoking my missing for the cold winter. So I survived from the hot and the glare, but was limited in a tiny space, and turns into a prisoner, guilty of killing time, killing youth time. A prisoner has nothing to do but committing the same guilt which deserving more prison time then generating more guilts, then......and finally, a dead end. It really sucks me. I donnot wanna be a numb and dull shell of flesh with the soul lingering around outside, anymore! Gonna take some plans to have it changed. So here is why the category of Reminders comes out.
September 24 眼镜丢了September 18 peace and chaosSunlight changes into moonlight then turns into rain drops, then storm, then again, sunlight. Days passed away so unconsciously only making me wondering WHY I DARE WASTE SO MANY YEARS! So many precious youth time has turned into the so-called tuition to the "college of society". I really failed to make my dream true, as Einstein said that if you can't make yourself "Nobel" Prized before 25y, you'll get few chances later. I'm old enough to reach 30y, but my scientific road is just kicking off, and no wage no marriage no offspring. Every time having my doctorial classes, I regret for the periods when skipping classes for PC game playing, or girl dating (so pity there was only one available to me), or tennis playing (there was a long period that I spend toooooo much time on tennis), or etc. It makes me feel like committing suicide. It's a guilty to the human race, ‘cause I think I was a genius, and might make some great creations and contributions. But finally I've successfully turned a guy that would benefit the society into a useless idiot. How could I be such “silly” (here silly means the double entendre)?! Anyway, it’s all passed away. I’m silly still , but get a little smarter, overcoming the obstacles ahead of me and working hard for the aim that should have been fulfilled years ago. The frustrations (like: two manuscripts, three submissions and three ejections) have promoted me a lot. The fact that I’ve sacrifice the happiness of my parents and my offspring gives me enough power to complete the mission. August 26 检讨：比较背的半天最近比较颓废，不知道是奥运看多的原因，还是天热闷的，或者没怎么运动的后果。
反正做事没计划，计划中的任务也拖拖拉拉，真看不下去了。
于是这回回家就很惨。
油价涨得厉害，也好久没坐火车了，于是突然想坐火车回家。担心奥运后返乡人流及新生报到而没位子，连夜去火车站买了票，顺便欣赏了杭州的午夜景。顺利地买到了票，肚子饿了，在学校西门喝了碗羊肉汤，边啃羊肉串。呼呼的潜入寝室睡觉，凌晨1点半了都。第二天，果然差点起不了床。不过幸亏料到这点，买的列次比较晚，上午10点多的。然后慢悠悠的整理东西，把没洗的锅碗条盆都处理掉。接着去南门的花鸟市场买了捧百合，再绕到西门买早点，然后等公交。这时距离火车开车时间还有44分钟，想了想，时间应该够的。5分钟后上了公交，9点38。公交开得挺快的，毕竟周一，这个时间段也不是什么上班高峰期。但是，开到距离火车站还有2站路的时候，堵车了。我傻眼了，看来3年前的历史又要重演了，那次是看错了车站（火车东站的看成了城站），这次可是彻头彻尾的误点。频繁的看表，距离火车开车还有27分钟。公交没前进多少，但是时间又匆匆过去6分钟、10分钟，12分钟，终于开过了这个堵车的十字路口。公交按我的愿望又飞奔起来。终于下车了，距离火车开车还有10分钟。我深吸几口气，开始飞奔。这个场景非常熟悉，好几次我压着点赶火车，经常是下车后一路飞奔，百米冲刺那般，冲过一个个check points，直上火车，此时经常离开车没几分钟。最刺激的一次是那年从宁波回杭州，同样的压着点赶火车，同样差点误点，离开车已经没几分钟了，一路飞奔呀飞奔，还提着一个很重的箱子，但还是赶上了，上车后不到一分钟，火车缓缓地开动了，我扑咚扑咚的心也慢慢的缓了下来。这一次，我左手提着袋子，并按着背后的背包以防其上下晃动，右手提着袋子放于胸前保持平衡并减少空气阻力。跑10步，走5步。东西还真有点重。主要还是体力不行了，这些重量在以前根本不算什么呀。到了候车大厅入口，离开车还有5分钟，我傻眼了。check point前，两条长长的护栏，中间一条长长的队伍正慢慢的通过，插队都插不进去。往常都有两个check points，通过还是比较快的。但这一次，RP真的很差......我跟着长龙慢慢前进，已经没有兴趣看时间了。进入候车厅，告示牌上已经不再显示我买的那个列次了。我四处逛游，心灰意冷。后悔为啥没坐汽车，为啥要去买早点，为啥不早点把那些锅碗条盆洗掉，为啥不早点把花买好，为啥不骑车去车站，为啥不早点睡觉，呜呼，误点，活该呀，活该！由于我深刻意识到了错误，于是不小心看到15分钟后还有一辆回家的车。一阵暗喜，连忙赶过去。还好顺利地上了车，心甘情愿的补了票。本来想逃票的，毕竟我还是有一张票的。车上人还真不多，主要是最近没票的几乎进入不了候车厅，也就上不了火车，更没机会补票。虽然火车晚点，但毕竟还是到达目的地。然后，一路转车。然后，很自然的，不小心碰到了坚硬物，把随带的一个花瓶打碎了。买来时一直以为是金属的，其实是陶瓷外面电镀了金属物质，所以没采取什么保护措施，可惜。我强烈的暗示自己，不要抓狂，回家应该高高兴兴的。于是强烈谴责自己为啥没之前一天回家。
这次时间表明，自己做事又有邋遢拖沓趋势。计划不周密，准备不充分，对可能出现的事情预计不足。行事鲁莽，饮食不规律，无科学锻炼身体。强烈鄙视自己一番。这次幸亏火车误点，下次可没这么幸运了，就不止这么点损失了。 May 31 心情终于到了离开科室的这一天，其实昨天就想写，无奈太累。 这个礼拜比较舒服，周二自己独立做了一台膀胱结石碎石术和输尿管镜，非常顺利，感觉很不错，非常有成就感，要知道这活没几个研究生会干的，连有些高年制的住院医生也不一定熟练。虽然周三周五收了一坨新病人，写的手抽筋，不过还是挤乳沟一样挤出了中午吃饭时间，去了趟紫金港，交了毕业材料，顺便参观了个设备齐全的实验室，骗了某人一顿盒饭。 呵呵，毕业啦。 周五正好还两台手术，在这最后一天去了手术室。感觉？没啥感觉，就算有，也是亲切的熟悉感。一切和往常一样，和巡回说说笑话，和麻醉聊聊天，教教组里的实习同学怎么讲段子，最主要的，做好本职工作。接着和夜班的姐妹们一起吃吃年糕（晚饭），用碗里的青菜，换她们碗里的猪肉片。美味无限。 晚上回到寝室，精疲力竭。想着，今后住哪的问题。本来想去紫金港，因为可以打打球，欣赏欣赏小mm们。不过想到搬家的麻烦，实验的麻烦。算了，还是住寝室吧。 睡觉前去超市买了包花生，边走边剥，呼吸着华家池的那熟悉而又芬芳的气息。池边很凉爽，坐在长椅上，嚼着花生，吹着晚风，披着垂柳，思索着池水。蚊子也不甘寂寞，凑了上来，一同分享快乐时光。赶紧逃回寝室。睡觉。 似乎已近习惯了早起，早早的蹲蹲坑，面前放放本本，看看the big bang theory，练练听力，顺便傻笑一通。 8点又去了趟医院，收拾了下抽屉，移交了给了师弟。收拾的心情总是沉重的。感受到杨大哥飞越之前收拾柜子时的复杂心情了。 午饭去勇哥家扫荡（现在是扫荡队队长）。最近酒量不行，喝一点点就头痛。可怜这次又倒了一个师弟，这个山东来的酒量超好千杯不醉万杯不倒的白酒师弟就这么被红酒灌high了，回来路上一直傻笑，直接被我拖到病房。 下午在医院，自己也死死的睡了一觉，酒确实能帮助睡眠（干姐姐注意了）。舒舒服服的睡到18:00，肚子也不饿，接着奋笔疾书，把最后的一些还没写的尾巴扫扫掉。可惜下周不再科室了，本来两个腹腔镜囊肿去顶我可以玩玩。 整整柜子，走了，真的走了。再见了，我的精彩的临床生活，再见了，我的美妙的住院时光，再见了，我的兄弟姐妹师傅们，我会经常来看你们的。 哪里有吃的，哪里就有我的身影。 May 18 keep single, stay away from lonenessSince I chose this way of my life, I've been such conscious of the loneness that I'll face when exploring the mysteries of the nature, finding the truth of the universe. I'm doomed to be single, and only keeping single can force me to focus all my concentrations on those great tasks, leading to big accomplishment. As is Ginger told me, that most of the girls have no resistent to male elites. And this is the aim that I should work for, to be an elite, then I'll get any girl that I want. It's joking, but I know one of the reason why she(my ex-GF) betrayed over and over and finally forsook me, froze my soul, 'cause I'm not elite enough, yes no money, no house, no automobile. It turns out to be a paradox that if people usually become great if they stay single, and live a normal life if not, but since they are not elites, how can they find the fit one? or the one they live togather is not the one they love most or loving them most, but just for living a life? Some couples make great accomplishments togather, most probably they have the same aim and the same simple way of making happiness. But most couples are not, 'cause making love too often is really really waste of time, precious life time. And the great joy from it keeps them hoping for a peaceful and normal life. So, I'll keep single, but I shall also stay away from loneness if I want to be an elite. ...... time's up May 13 祈祷最惨痛的还是看着那些逝去的被活埋的孩子 缄默..... 啥也不说了 不想说话了，玩笑都不想开了，因为都没法笑了 反正，尽自己的力 能做多少就多少 能捐多少算多少 钱也好，血也好 只希望那些幸存的人能早点获救 被救治的人能早日恢复健康 前线的救援工作者能平平安安 祝福所有...... May 01 稀里糊涂的毕业了毕业了，稀里糊涂的毕业了，可怜，可悲。
很不爽 感觉还有很多很多事情要做 很多很多东西要学 感觉很多很多任务没有完成 很多很多汗水没有挥洒 很多很多承诺没有履行 留下很多很多梦想没有实现 再给自己一次机会，恐怕是最后的机会了。 年轻已渐渐消失殆尽，让这最后一点灿烂发光发热，照亮宇宙！ March 31 静夜思难得的清静， 用来 思索生命的意义。 慢慢历史长河，我的身影在何方？ 回想 若干年前， 尽管很狭隘 但明白 什么是真理，怎样能追求到真理。 而如今 高校七载，阅卷无数， 却仅意识到自己很浮躁，学会如何才能捕获芳心，接着，就连追求女生的动力也丢失了。
曾不解为什么人为何易变浮躁， 那些年，我天真烂漫，青春无限，踌躇满志。 而当碌碌无为吹干我的角质， 贪图享乐吞噬我的视线， 狭隘不断侵蚀我前进的灵魂， 我变得急功近利，好高骛远， 于是迷失，沉沦， 斗志丧尽， 掉入万丈深渊。 挣扎着爬了上来， 精疲力竭，却还浮躁， 又度过了无数个悬崖边徘徊的日子。
曾经认为自己是个不平凡的人， 拥有那么多奇思怪想，及那双灵巧的手。 自信胜过了我的狭隘。 慢慢的， 我停止了思考。 （上帝应该很开心，因为又少了一个发掘他老人家家底的家伙） 用尽一切方法来麻痹自己的叛逆， 归顺于平庸，趋于平凡，平庸，庸俗，恶俗。 什么是自暴自弃？当自己失去自我的时候。
可我明白， 我本不该平凡， 只要上帝还在继续嘲笑思考的人类，我就不能停止我的“创造”， 尽管有时候这只会让他老人家更加捧腹。 但不管怎样， 我不能平凡， 不能因为平凡的自卑而浮躁， 不能因为庸俗的舒适而懒惰， 不能因为周遭的混乱而迷失， 不能因为物欲的诱惑而沉沦， 不能因为身心的疲惫而放弃， 不能因为路途的艰辛而畏惧， 更不能因为零星的成果而自负， 浮躁是因为我看不透， 懒惰是因为我看不破， 迷失是因为我看不穿， 沉沦是因为我看不清， 放弃是因为我看不远， 畏惧是因为我看不广， 自负是因为我放不下， 我注定不能平凡， 擦亮眼睛，整装上路，重返征途。 生命只有一次，上帝只给我这一次机会。 February 24 等待春天It's a season of losing.
The moment I take a look at the surviving one of the two tortoises accompanying with me for so many years with the other one being found dead not long ago, I think he is still habernating, two eyes closed, neck streching out of slouch, motionless, very peaceful, so peaceful that I'm scared that he might pass away like his partner. So I put him in warm water, about 30℃, hoping to wake him up :"Hi, buddy, it's daylight, time to get up to have something to eat, don't be such lazy." But, he dosen't open his eye, even not move any part of his body. And I realise it's bad, it's over, and it might be the loneness that drives him commit suicide so he can get off, flying high, to meet his partner in the heaven of the tortoise. Farewell my friend, wish you happy up there. I'll always remember the joyful moment we spent togather. 胡言乱语这几天不怎么用手机，晚上发现一个未接来电，一个熟悉的号码，虽然没名字，但是背的出，是ex-gf的。虽然分手已经好久了，虽然已经好久没联系了，虽然已经约定以后不再联系了不再互相干扰对方生活。但不知是条件反射还是某种幻想或是某种好奇心，感觉到她可能需要帮助。在那些残留的回忆和某种程度的不舍的驱动下，我回拨了过去。电话那头依旧是那个熟悉的声音和那种颐指气使的口吻，接通后立马问道： “舒乐安定的致死剂量具体是多少？” 我一愣，搞什么呀，自杀还是害人？！回问“干吗用？” “你别管那么多，我上不了网，帮我查一下就行了。” “你要自杀？” “是的，刚买药的时候看到一个姑娘从楼上跳下来，死了，我也想死了。” “你失恋了还是家里出事了还是工作犯错了？” “你别管那么多，帮我查一下，谢谢，我上不了网。” 电话挂了，我向来对这种突如其来的事件的第一时间的处理没多少能力，电话中貌似她在买刀片。虽然是医生，但是对这种药物的致死剂量的确没什么了解，于是还是查了一下。查不到。本想算了，别管她了。可总感觉不对劲，虽然感情已经支离破碎了，但怎么说她也是一个活生生的人，活着比什么都强。不管怎样，曾经一起这么多年，虽然最后不了了之，但相互之间的怨恨也随着时间消逝了很多，且毕竟一起留下过很多美好的回忆，如今她告诉我她要寻死，我得管，至少尽最大努力让她珍惜生命，尽管她早已经不听我的话了。 我再次打了过去，而且不知不觉竟然用掉了一个小时。 “你真要寻死？刚才听到你在买刀片。” “怎么了，活着没意思，没人要我，我看不出我的人生还有什么盼头，死了算了。” “不会吧，你有父母，有一份好工作，一群好朋友，一个好老公，不挺好的吗？” “他不要我了，他嫌弃我。” “就上次说的认识一个礼拜那个，你不是说挺好的吗，过的挺滋润的吗？怎么，现在又……？” “分了，我没朋友，除了爸妈，没人关心我。” “怎么会呢，不是有很多人关心你嘛？”（心里想：当初你不是挺拽的吗？活该！） “没有人关心我，还是死了算了。” “别，别，活着比什么都强，看过‘士兵突击’没，多做些有意义的事情，好好活着。或者看看‘集结号’，活着很有意义的。” “你干吗这么关心我？” “说这个没什么意思吧。” “也是。” “喂，给我好好活着，活着比什么都强！” “呵呵，你了解我的，我是好死不如赖活着。” “谁知道你现在变成什么样了，你真的别死，否则哪天公安局就找我录口供了。” “呵呵，吓唬你的，真的不会死的。我要活着让他不得好死。” “怎么回事，详细点？” “我要报复，我从来没恨过一个人，这次真的生气了。” “怎么回事，你们在一起时间也不短了，吵吵架过几天就好了。” “我们分了好长一段时间了。” “具体点？” “我要报复，我伤自尊了，他嫌弃我不是CN。Md！当初说的多么的动听，说不在乎这个，说会好好照顾我，让我幸福。我要报复，我要让他不得好死！还有他妈！” “他妈怎么了，都见过家长了，还……？难道他妈不同意？这个倒有点……” “正因为没见过，是他自己说他妈不同意” “啊，啊” “所以我恨死他了，我要报复，我要让他身败名裂！” “女人真可怕。” “是的，所以宁可惹上十个小人，也别惹上一个女人。男人难道都这样？” “那为什么你不报复我呢？我也曾伤害过你，给了你很多痛苦回忆。” “你我之间不一样，我们两都彼此努力过了。” “....不说这个了，”（是啊，努力过了，真的都尽力了？）“但不管怎样，这一次你交了学费学到了不少吧？” “我在你这里交的学费不少了。” “学到了什么？说来听听。” “……不知道。” “我也交了很多学费，但是感谢你，我学到了很多。上一次见面我们说着说着又吵架了，我们观念上的分歧已经很大了，因为我觉得这么多年了，我心里成长的更快更稳重，但是你太偏执，并且一直认为偏执的那个人是我，这是你这次又交学费的原因。” “你看我这样子是不是感觉很痛快？” “嗯，从某种程度上说，是的。但不管怎样，请你好好活着。” “嗯，我要活着报复他，让他不得好死。” 接着问了我很多我的事情，工作，学习等等，还问了我奶奶现在怎么样了，说奶奶以前对她挺好的。还问我有没有信电系的同学，因为那个人的同事都是浙大信电系毕业的，不过他本人不是浙大的。她想先从他的同事开始报复行动，还让我帮忙想想报复的方式。我也问了些她的情况，但也不想仔细问。
总觉得，自己这么多年来所认识所喜欢的那个她已经死了，彻彻底底的死了。今天之后，连一点幻想的余地都消失殆尽了。虽然对她现在的遭遇有所同情起了怜悯之心，感觉当初如果我有能力让她能听我的话能在一起，她的生活就不会那么乱七八糟了，尽管这条路是她自己选择的。这就是一个在校大学生和职业女性恋爱的结果。(具体过程详见续篇）
上一次见面时是去年圣诞节傍晚，已经分了好长时间，她突然约我吃晚饭，说她心里有个坎，因为我，她无法更好的去喜欢另外一个人。说我有很多优点，但不适合她，说我能找到更好的。说她新认识个人，挺适合他的，打算结婚的那种。希望我能祝福她，使她能过这个坎。我说一个礼拜你们互相了解吗，我们这么长时间了都分掉。她说她们过得很滋润。她只希望我能祝福她。当时我有抽她的冲动。但是想想都可能最后一次见面了，随它去吧，我已经不“认识”这个人了。
此后对自己感情上的微小起伏，我尽量用那个实事来劝说自己：真的，你爱的那个她已经死了，不要再浪费自己的感情了。多花点时间，为自己做点事，不管拯不拯救地球还是为了科学事业人类进步。多孝敬长辈，多关心哥们。怎么说我那些学费也不是白交的。
想起那年过年回家，我和她关系波动，于是情绪不稳，接着累及到自己的家人，他们由于我的闷闷不乐和火冒脾气而非常不开心。 比比今年过年回家，我很平静，尽量体贴，尽量微笑，尽量幽默，尽量勤快，于是带给了家里人很多阳光，全家都乐呵呵的。看着爸爸妈妈爷爷奶奶叔叔伯伯一起高高兴兴和和气气的吃年夜饭，我很满足，鼻子都酸酸的。回校那天中午给爷爷奶奶烧了顿午饭：炒了碗荷兰豆，蒸了条被两老人家夸为生平吃到的最好吃的鱼——葱油鲑鱼，三人一起在电视机旁呼呲呼呲的吃得大汗淋漓，吃了个精光吃了个饱，一点汤都没剩。我的鼻子又酸汪汪了。我爸妈似乎吵架也少了很多，多亏有这么个懂事的孩子。元宵打电话回去说在包汤团，好有兴致呀。往年都是超市买的随便煮的，今年竟然玩手工的，搞得我恨不得马上飞回去。
写到这里我也不知道自己想写什么了，总觉得自己很幸福，有幸福的家庭，有那么多关心爱护我的朋友，要好好珍惜。但隐隐约约觉得这幸福又是那么的不容易。疾病和朋友的聚散，惧怕任何不开心的事情会掩盖这珍贵的幸福。所以我还是做我的Light Year，我要把光，把微笑，把快乐带给这一年中的每一个关心爱护我的人。 Make everybody’s life year full of light。
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